Preparation

I have been told through out my life to prepare. It seems such a simple thing to prepare for a birthday party, to prepare for school, to prepare for visitors, etc. What I have been told my entire life has been solely based upon the physical or temporal standpoint. Although we try, it seems in vain to prepare for the emotional future. Especially for those who rely on others to determine the out come of their feelings on any given day. By this I mean to say that most people allow others to determine how they themselves feel, as opposed to allowing others to influence but not control the outcome of emotions felt by an individual.
I don't need to like washing the dishes to enjoy washing them. I can still feel good about myself and life in general after falling victim to being cut-off and flipped off. Other people and other things do not determine how I choose to feel. No one can make me feel anything. I cannot, as in it is not withing my power, to make you feel a certain way on an emotional level. I cannot make you make me feel a certain way either. This is an illusion. A serial killer for example desires to feel a certain way. They can only feel those desired feelings by making someone else feel certain feelings, thus making someone make you feel a certain way. In reality the killer chooses to feel a certain way when he sees others feeling a certain way. If a killer's victim was not scared, would they react in the same manner? In cases where the victim chooses to feel differently, the ranges of outcomes have been vastly different. In a less extreme example, you smile at someone who holds the door open for you and thank them for their courtesy. You do this as an outward expression to them to show your gratitude. You do this because that simple act influenced you to feel happy and you desire to reciprocate that feeling. Experience has shown that a smile is infectious and good manners are always a welcome reprise from mechanical daily function. A further encounter leaves you with the desire to initiate a positive experience in hopes of helping them to feel happier.

How would the situation have been different had you not even noticed that someone took the time to open the door for you? Well, you wouldn't have noticed so you wouldn't care but the person holding the door would probably notice your complete lack of common courtesy as well as perhaps a lack of attention to your surroundings making you a perfect target for a thief.

The more aware we are of our surroundings, the more power we have to choose how we feel or how we choose to react to the things we are aware of. On the opposite side, the less aware we are the less we have to choose and the easier it is to retain the feelings we choose to feel without a constant bombardment of opportunities to feel a different way based on our observations.

Knowledge is power and a lack of knowledge about ones surroundings means a lack of power over ones surroundings. So to attempt tunnel vision to avoid responsibility results in less responsibility but, also less power to control, manipulate, and avoid involvement with ones own surroundings. The amount of control gained by omition pales in comparison the the amount of control lost through omition. True, you don't need to interact with many people and many situations if you don't notice them, but you don't even have the opportunity to interact with them if you don't notice them. So it seems that it then becomes a matter of responsibility and the desire for said ability.

Being aware also means being accountable for your awareness. If you witness an accident or crime, it is your civic duty to report such an incident. IF you witness it. If you are oblivious, you cannot report it. If you do report it, especially in this day and age, you become involved. Becoming involved usually means written statements, phone calls from insurance companies or lawyers, waiting for police to show up, etc. Its a mess and a huge expense of time. Its easier to just not notice. The problem with actually noticing and then claiming not to have witnessed is that you are still accountable to yourself for starters. How are you going to sleep at night knowing you could have helped to change the outcome for the better for some poor victim? Not to mention your accountability to that person in the next life or karma or even God for that matter?

When we venture out into that big scary world of the unknown most people call life, how do we prepare for it? The only way I have ever really been taught was primarily temporally. Unfortunately, the temporal aspect of most situations is merely a base function of survival mixed with minor aspects of comfort ability. The much bigger aspect is that of the emotional realm and how we choose to act, react, and interact with it.

How do you prepare for an encounter with another individual who smiles at you? How do you prepare for an encounter with an individual who swears at you? How do you prepare for a situation where someone smiles at someone else? Or someone who slaps a child?

If preparation is the act of becoming aware of something before it happens then the only true way to prepare yourself for anything is to run through the course of events as they may play out with as many scenarios as may occur. This is of course impossible but it is possible to run through a series of "most probable" scenarios before the event comes to pass. The point of that exorcise is firstly to become aware that it is in fact possible and secondly likely, but thirdly it also opens up the opportunity to choose a desired course of action allowing for the conscious planning of a future event or in other words preparation for a possible upcoming outcome instead of being tossed about by life like a fishing boat in a storm, living off of your reactions being powerless to act due to the inability to plan because of the lack of foresight.

Taking action requires a conscious thought and a conscious effort. Reacting is allowing the subconscious to take control for brief periods because of the individuals need for self preservation, the preservation of another, or extensive repetitive training done on a conscious level to the point that it becomes a subconscious action.

Understanding

If it is true that what we perceive as reality is simply electrical signals interpreted by the brain, and no two people interpret the same thing in the same way, then it seems we have a problem. The best we can hope for is the classification of alike things to attempt any type of cohesive existence. Even then it is only upon agreement of what is classified as "alike". Is it a wonder why so many of the human race feel so cut off from everyone else? I can never tell someone how I feel. The best I can do is to attempt describing how I feel in a manner in which someone else can interpret into their own understanding of emotion and hope that it is similar to the truth of my own feelings. It is upon acceptance of the description of emotion that describer feels safer after having put their own feelings "out on a limb", although acceptance is not the same as understanding or agreement. Anything but, acceptance leads to feelings of isolation and despair, as it is too easy to come to the conclusion that there is not a person out there in the vast population who can interpret and understand the emotion I feel. It is only when I receive the acceptance of another that I feel justified and perhaps that there is hope for progression in the future. Since we already know that this will never happen as there are no two individuals who posses the ability to interpret the same event, series of events, or even the same two words in exactly the same way, then the possibility is immensely small that anyone could possibly come close to a glimmer of understanding concerning anyone else.

Yet there are people out there who seem to posses the ability to traverse their own universe and enter into my realm of understanding, somehow. There are two types of people that I am aware of that even attempt crossing realms. The first is considered to have a big heart and usually has just as much an idea as to how I am feeling than a brick wall knows how I'm feeling. Although, their body language is most sincere, it doesn't take more than the exchange of a few more sentences to discover that they are utterly oblivious to the intricate workings of your universe, at which you have several options depending on how emotionally raw and fragile you are at that point. The choices boil down to variations of becoming more intra-verted or more extra-verted for varying lengths of time.

The second type of individual gives every indication that they truly posses the knowledge and understanding to be able to interpret beyond the pathetic words that fail to describe how you really feel and into the realm of understanding you as an individual and thus, anything you are capable of. This second type of individual does not necessarily possess this power all the time but, usually only from time to time. It is this second type of person that fuels the pursuit of further existence of the human race.

The problem is that we already know that this second type of person does not exist. It is not possible based on the understanding that we currently posses regarding the functioning of individual human brains. The problem is that we have all experienced the second type of person in our lives at some point or another. Experiencing this phenomenon dissolves our current understanding of the way the brain functions.

Most people believe in accidents or coincidence and can explain away these happenings by classifying them as such. However, by doing so they are simply saying that they are okay with the concept of placing those experiences on a shelf in their brains labeled "unknown". That is not satisfactory to me and because of that I don't believe in accidents or coincidence. This is not to say that I am dissatisfied with not understanding the fundamental principals of the universe, or multiverse for that matter, but simply the classification of such. The medium I choose is God.

Dreams of Megan...

The first few months my dreams were of the car. I would dream that I was in the back seat of Megan and Quinn's car leaning forward in between the two front seats and I could see everything very clearly and they couldn't see or hear me at all. Just like in all those movies like Harry Potter when he is seeing people's memories or in other movies where they are using holo-technology and everyone completely ignores the actor. That was me. I could scream to stop or look out but nothing mattered. It always played out the same way every time. I knew what was about to happen. It happened every time. It happened every time in slow motion. Slow motion and vivid detail. I smelled the leather from Quinn's jacket and the nylon fibers from the carpet of the car's interior getting hot from the heater being turned on to blow on the floor as well as the dash.
It was in those first few months after the accident that I truly hated sleep. It took me a while before I figured out that if I stay up so late I become exhausted and then I can sleep in peace but, only when I am actually overcome with sleep. I like the night time anyhow so it wasn't like I was giving up my mornings by sleeping because I don't like mornings anyhow.
Time has passed and it has gotten easier. I no longer fear sleep, I occasionally don't look forward to it but I do enjoy cuddling with my wife and sleep always follows shortly after I lay down next to her. I still have dreams of Megan but not of the car wreck. Night before last I dreamed that I had just arrived to a banquet table. I sat at the head of it, Megan sat to my right and mom sat at my left. Megan had been there for sometime at that point and she was familiar with her surroundings. Mom had gotten there a short time before me and was still a bit unfamiliar but comfortable. The banquet table was all done up for a very fancy celebration, but the food wasn't really food.....or maybe it was but there was no smells coming from it and it was all covered. My sight did not go past those first chairs. I knew instinctively that the table went on and on and there may have been people there but I did not see past mom and Megan. I don't remember any feelings or smells at all and the dream itself had no overtones. I awoke with an almost empty feeling yet it was sobering and once again refreshed the sense of dread I have from time to time.

Dread.

I have been haunted since the birth of my first child, Jaedyn. When she was born it was as if a new part of my heart grew. The capacity to love was expanded far beyond anything I have felt before. I was so overwhelmed that first night I couldn't help but to just sit there with her in my arms and hold her. I was so overcome with those feelings of love in my heart that I had a hard time even contemplating sleep, all night long. It was probably about four or five in the morning that an awful dread began to creep into my mind and an aching into my heart.
You know in life when everything is going perfectly and you are in one of those "in between trials" phases of life? Its a very lovely time and you feel like you are on top of the world. It seems to me that I usually stay in that euphoric state until something does happen, i.e. the next trial has already begun. It has been just this past couple of years that I have made a concerted effort of realizing when I have entered into a "resting" phase so that when it comes to a close I am not caught off guard and can even prepare for it a bit. Well I've also learned that sometimes the "resting" periods are all-encompassing and sometimes they are just for given aspects of our lives.
So it was that first night in the hospital, looking down on the face of my sleeping newborn baby girl that I felt the most pure dread that I have ever known. Don't jump to conclusions. It wasn't because of the added responsibilities of being a father now or having to "grow up" and be responsible or start eating my vegetables or anything like that, so get that out of your head. It was because I recognized that I had just entered into a "resting" period far deeper than ever before and I knew that it would end. Its been my experience to that you never know how long these periods last so enjoy every second while you can. So the only thing that my little brain could conceive of coming close to ending this rest period was losing one of my family. I felt dread on the deepest most core level just knowing that I would soon lose either my wife or my child and how that would change things and how that would change me. Although, I do not let those feelings run or ruin my life they are still on a back burner somewhere....always. Life is so amazingly perfect that is the only thing I can imaging losing that would break my perfect world. I'm sure the reason why this has all been on my mind is Megan's death (my sister) 2 years ago this December. My mind begins to ease as I slip back into the routines of the day and then something happens to refresh my memories of Megan and I can no longer take my family for granted. Its usually the small and simple things that bring me back. A word or phrase that Megan made up or used frequently. A food she used to eat or make a lot. A song she used to sing or play. There is a sister in our ward who looks just like her, she plays the organ every week. It was a couple days ago that Arren and I were watching NCIS the TV show when one of the main cast died in the show and they started showing how each of the other members of her team was dealing with the loss. That was too close to home and I hurt that night. I have random dreams of Megan too. As much as all the reminders make my heart ache in many ways, they also make me appreciate and spend time with my family, doing things that I will love to looks back on and not look back with regret upon.

Economy? whats that?

So we have been told that the time will come when the Constitution will hang by a thread we've also been told that the saints of Zion will proclaim that all is well when it is not. It seems that we are there. Of course I can imagine it worse than it is currently but it all seems so natural. Its just everyday life. So normal that I have to step back to even see it myself. The thing that jolts me is to sit and think about times when I was growing up. When not everyone had a TV and only the majority of those were in color. When there was no internet and sharing a family car amongst 2 or more drivers was common place. Where you had a 50 50 chance of calling someone and actually getting an answering machine and the rest of the time it just rang until you got bored and hung up. I remember when the "safe" thing to do was to go to school and get at least a BA and then get a job working for some company for 40 years and then retire and live out the rest of your life on the benefits you'd accrued. I remember a time when we were encouraged to go out and play. When if you asked a question you had to go over to the bookshelf and find the answer out by looking it up in the encyclopedia brittanicas. Its these and a hundred other things that my daughter will never know. Thats weird.

Desires.

The scriptures say that when you have a pure desire if you ask of the Lord he will grant it to you. Generally we assume that "pure" means "righteous" but it has come to my belief that "pure" instead means "total", "complete", or "with your whole heart" having nothing to do with the concept of "right" and "wrong". It was this principal, I believe, that got those powerful nations into so much trouble and many times led them to total annihilation. The Egyptians, the Jaredites, just to name a couple. Even the Nephites had too much to handle. Too many truths, too many riches, just too much. If we desire something with our whole heart and go to the Lord and ask him for it he must give it to us, either for our exaltation or our condemnation. It is for this purpose that he asks us to follow him. The ten commandments are a true testament to this simple concept. They give us a simple guide to keep us from wanting things for a selfish purpose. One of the problems we have is that all truths are circumscribed into one great whole. There are so many levels, layers, and facets to the gospel that one simple truth has so many different angles but in the end it is still the same simple truth. We humans with our finite minds try our hardest to quantify, qualify and classify the information and truths we take in. We forget to take into the equation the concept of change. Most of us spend our lives avoiding change.
When we are young, we see the color red and call it "red". As we learn and grow we have a greater understanding of what we are actually seeing and we begin to call it "brick red" or "fire engine red". Does it make it any less red? No. The simple truth is that it is in fact red. It is change that allows growth. Growth is not linear, though. No matter how much we try and make it linear it is not and never will be. It is the difference between a car and a '67 Corvette. When we learn about the wonders of leather then it turns into the difference between a car and a '67 Corvette with all leather interior. What is the difference? The difference is simply how we perceive things. If we don't know about turbo chargers than it makes little difference whether or not the car has it or not. When we know about it, it gives us more knowledge about the capabilities of that car.
What I know to be good and true is different than what anyone else knows to be good and true and what anyone else knows to be good and true is different than what any other person knows to be good and true. We struggle our whole lives to come to a common understanding of principals and concepts, many of which are eternal by nature and thus not entirely capable of being confined by mere words, but we try anyways.
The ability to communicate is the ability to get an idea from one mind to another. This is not limited by words or language. It is only limited by the limitations we confine ourselves to. This is not a new concept it is a universal truth to all things. We are only limited in the things we do, choose or hope to become, by the limitations we restrict our own selves with.
So if we know that our own understanding is different than any other person and we also know that God grants unto his children anything they desire with their hearts when they ask him. This gives us unlimited ability for good or evil. I believe "Good" to be anything that by accomplishing makes God happy with me. I believe "Evil" to be anything that by accomplishing makes God unhappy with me. These are not limited by commission either. Good deeds are good deeds even if they are good deeds by omission. Sins are sins even if they are sins of omission.
At the end of the day I am happy if I have done all that I can do to make my Father in Heaven happy with me. He knows me. He knows my limits and my capabilities. If I desired to be very wealthy I have no doubt he would grant it to me. I do have the desire to be there someday. The desire I have now is simply to have the tools of financial backing to enable myself many more possibilities of service. As for now I do not desire untold wealth. At the end of the day I am still accountable to God for what I have done with the money he gave me and if right now all I have is enough to take care of my own family and help others out from time to time as opportunity arises then I can't be condemned for not spending more of it to help more. I fear that the temptation for material gain would envelope me in my current life as there are too many things in this world that I desire to bestow upon my wife and now that I have a daughter I am drawn to the baby isles of every store I go into even more than when I used to get sucked into an electronics store.
May God grant me the restraint I need to spend his blessings righteously and not selfishly. Then someday I hope to be granted with the blessings of wealth without damning myself.

Baby Jaedy

So we went in today for Arren's weekly OBGYN appointment today. It was scheduled for 1pm. Since Mom and Dad are in town I, of course, invited them along. So we were scheduled for a sonogram to determine approximate birth weight and to do a cervical exam. So we did the sono first and the Doc (Dr. Maxey) was a little concerned with her being so small, but we went ahead with the cervical exam and he was like "Oh!...yer at a good 4cm! ...could be a tight 5 but at least 4!" And we were like, "oh. Cool. So?" And he was like "Yer gonna have a baby!" And we were like "...uh huh... I thought that was the idea, Doc." And he was like "Yer gonna have a baby today!" And we were like "oh, okay.....WHAT?!"
So we found out that you aren't supposed to walk in as a first-time mother in labor and not even know it. Not that its bad, it just doesn't happen. So he sent us directly across the hall, up the elevator, and down the hallway to labor and delivery. So then Arren got hooked up to 'the machines'. One was to monitor her and Jaedyn's heart rate and the other was to monitor her contractions. Went she first got hooked up she was having contractions about 4-5 minutes apart and after about 30 minutes she was having them about every 2-3. The funny part was she couldn't feel them at all. She would be quiet for a while and then all of a sudden she would ask "Am I having one?!" and I would look over and see a flat line. Then I would ask her how she was feeling and she would look over at me with a bored expression and say "I'm fine...why?...wait, am I having a contraction?!" "You are half-way through one right now."
So Arren sat in labor, not feeling any contractions for about 4 hours until just after 6pm. Then the Doc came in and broke her water. She felt that. She felt the contractions after that, too. For about an hour until the Anesthesiologist finally made it in. She gave Arren a happy-dural and Arren was a happy girl again. At just before 8pm Jaedyn's heart rate started dropping after every contraction and the nurse called the Doc right away. The Doc came in and explained that that meant the baby wasn't getting enough oxygen and they stopped the platosin. She was dilated to 6cm. Doc said that things would not stay the same. Jaedyn's heart rate would either stabilize or get worse. If it got worse we would be risking her health and if there was any complications getting her out we may be risking her life and the health of Arren, too. We both opted for the choice that wouldn't risk anyone's health. and at 8:15pm Jaedyn Olivia Quigley was born.
So I had to sit down behind the shield until the baby was actually out but, after that I could stand up and see. So of course I did and it was friggin awesome! Little wet, slimy baby, not all covered in white stuff or bloody, just wet really and Arren's guts were all hanging out all over the place from a huge gaping hole in her abdomen. So I was like, "Thats AWSOME!" and the doc was like, "......really?" So then he saw that I was actually really interested and he picked up her uterus and was like this is her uterus and here is her ovary and filopian tube and here are the other ones on the other side..... it was really cool! After a VERY short while there was Jaedyn's crew that was like okay 'dad' you have to come with us to the nursery and I was totally torn because I wanted to watch Arren and all her cool guts all over the place but, I also didn't want to let my eyes off my baby. In the end I went with my new baby and left Arren and her gore.